Is Grief a Superpower?
White and pink lotus flower floating in still waters with green lily pads
Photo by Jay Castor on Unsplash
My youngest brother was born with sickle cell disease. He died in 2019. Less than six months after his death, clinical trials were announced for CRISPR. This year, on December 8, the FDA announced that CRISPR is now approved as a gene therapy cure for sickle cell. I'm thrilled for the hundreds of thousands of people worldwide who suffer from this excruciating disease. And I'm heartbroken because my brother didn't live long enough to be cured.
Last Thursday, a friend sent me Anderson Cooper's “Facing Our Grief” podcast episode. I haven’t gotten past the first ten minutes because I keep pondering the very beginning of the interview:
Anderson Cooper: “When I got back from Israel, I wasn't sure that I should even do this podcast. And I felt like in the face of so much suffering in Israel and in Gaza talking about my grief or any individual person's suffering, I mean, does it matter in the face of the scale of suffering we're seeing?”
Francis Weller: “Well, let's ask the question, what would happen if we don't address our grief, our personal griefs? [That's] the collective trouble we're in right now...if we don't address our grief our hearts close.
What grief work does is it has a way of deepening our capacity to hold sorrow, to hold suffering.... Most of us, because of our traumas and our grief, ...we barely register the sorrows of the world. We barely let them in.”
Francis Weller's words underscore for me why healing personal grief is critical. It's an extension of the “put your oxygen mask on first” concept. In order to find viable, lasting solutions to global crises, we need to also face and heal our own grief.
I've learned over the years that unaddressed grief comes out eventually, no matter how deep we think we've buried it. And buried grief often comes out in the form of violence: internalized (e.g. addictions, emotional detachment, etc.) or externalized (e.g. terror perpetrated against others).
Internalized and externalized violence are the maladaptive coping mechanisms we use to avoid feeling overwhelming emotions and profound grief. It's a survival strategy that benefits no one. And I'm convinced there's a correlation between violence and our collective inability to adequately support people who've experienced loss, especially if that loss is a direct result of violence.
It's no surprise there are increasingly higher levels of addiction. It's well-known that humans can become addicted to almost anything (including work and over-achieving). Addictions help us avoid emotional and physical pain. They also help us ignore our grief.
If we continue to “barely register the sorrows of the world,” then the horrors we're seeing in Gaza, in Israel, and in the over 110 armed conflicts around the world will continue. We need to allow ourselves the space to grieve, so we can in turn, as Francis Heller says, “[deepen] our capacity to hold sorrow, to hold suffering.” And I believe when we can better hold sorrow and suffering, we'll be better able to find long-term solutions to global and local crises which are rooted in violence – violence in all its internalized and externalized forms. Because violence is a symptom, a reaction, to unaddressed needs. We need to do this work. We need to do it in community. And we need to be allowed to grieve. Our collective future depends on it.
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The Power of Words
Photo by Ronak Valobobhai on Unsplash
I believe in the power of words.
Without words we would have no language... and no conscious awareness of thought.
Years ago, after a series of devastating events, including the deaths of loved ones, I stopped believing in prayer. I figured there was no point, especially since my prayers weren’t unanswered.
What brought me back to prayer, and to God, is a long story that I won't get into here. Suffice it to say, now I pray again and even more so when devastating events occur.
A few weeks ago, I heard three words that stopped me in my tracks though: prayers never die. My first reaction was to scoff. How can that possibly be true with so much conflict, horror, and pain in the world?
But the more I mulled it over, the more I began to wonder: what if it is true? What if prayers don't ever die? Could prayers be one of the most powerful ways to use our words? If so, do I not have a responsibility to pray for my family, my friends, and the world?
Accordingly, with a hope that defies logic, I will continue to pray.
I will pray for those trapped in over 110 armed conflicts around the world which are in more than 25% of all countries, specifically in:
Afghanistan, Algeria, Angola, Armenia is occupying parts of Nagorno Karabakh (Azerbaijan), Bangladesh, Benin, Brazil, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cameroon, the Central African Republic (CAR), Chad, Colombia, Cyprus, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Ethiopia, Georgia (Abkhazia), Ghana, Haiti, India, (plus between India and China and between India and Pakistan ), Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Ivory Coast, Jamaica, Kenya, Lebanon, Libya, Moldova (Transdniestria), Mali, Mexico, Mauritania, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Niger, Nigeria, Pakistan, Paraguay, Palestine, and The Philippines, Russia, Rwanda, Senegal, Somalia, South Ossetia, South Sudan and Sudan, Syria, Tanzania, Thailand, Togo, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine (international and non-international), the United States, Venezuela, Western Sahara, and Yemen.
(Note: the United States is included due to its annual number of gun-related deaths.)
I'll continue to pray for peace.
I'll pray for the end of violence. I'll pray for the end of all types of abuse. I'll pray for healing, individually and globally.
I'll pray for family, friends, and colleagues.
I'll pray for every person living in an unsafe environment due to abuse, addiction, armed conflict, hunger, instability and violence.
I'll pray, even when I'm in despair and everything seems hopeless. Because I often do ask, in despair, what can I do? What can I possibly do to shift the needle even a little bit? And that's when a whisper reminds me of small ways people make the world a better place. I'm reminded of how kindness and consideration and a willingness to listen go a very long way. Then, I remind myself that a small pebble dropped in the ocean still creates a ripple. And the more ripples we can create the better; because, eventually, enough ripples will create a wave. And apathy cannot usher in the Light.
Speaking of ripples turning into a wave, in 2018, the group Koolulam harnessed the power of song (aka words set to music) in an inspiring way. 3,000 Palestinians and Israelis (all strangers) came together to sing a message of hope in Arabic, English, and Hebrew. It's called One Day. The video brought me to tears when I first saw it and it still does today.
Art is powerful (dance, music, visual arts, performing arts, storytelling, all creative arts). Creating is powerful. Our imaginations are powerful.
There's power in our thoughts. There's power in our actions. There's power in coming together.
There's power in our prayers. Power in our words.
Words inspire. Words enrage. Words soothe.
Words diminish. Words foment fear. Words encourage.
Words manipulate. Words invigorate. Words motivate.
Words can heal and words can destroy.
Words are powerful... and hope is too.
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New Words, Ancient Wisdom
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I had a light bulb moment recently: new words, ancient wisdom. I was thinking about resilience and what keeps people in the game, despite fears, failures and doubts. What keeps certain people going, even after multiple setbacks, while other people quit? The answer was my lightbulb moment.
But before I jump into the answer, I have a riddle. What do the following have in common?
Action Board
Action Plan
Action steps
Agile (software development)
Blueprint
Business Plan
Five-year Plan
Game Plan
GPS
Life Plan
Map
Mission Statement
Motivational Board
North Star
Sports Playbook
Strategic Plan
Ten-year Plan
Value Statement
Vision Statement
Vision Board
Your Why, etc.
The answer? A clear vision to help people get to a specific destination or achieve a particular outcome.
Clear vision is the secret sauce behind successful people's resilience, imho. They know their Purpose. They've imagined where they want to go. They've seen it in their minds eye. They've embodied it with all of their senses. Their brains perceive it as real. It's no longer an unattainable imagined reality. No matter how many times they're knocked down, their vision and Purpose empower them to get back up again, in spite of their fears. Clarity of vision is the linchpin to it all. And as Dr Nadine Dijkstra explained to University College London News, “Neuroscience has discovered that imagination and perception rely on overlapping brain circuits.” As a result, if we “vividly... experience” something, our brains cannot tell if it's imagined or real.
What does imagination and clear vision have to do with ancient wisdom? Well, in the Old Testament, Habakkuk 2: 2-3 (NIV) says:
Then the LORD replied: Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it, it will certainly come and will not delay.
Habakkuk suggested this over 2600 years ago! We have new words for it, but it's ancient wisdom. New words, ancient wisdom.
Now it's time for a confession. I've never been a fan of five-year plans, life plans, etc. They used to really irritate me. But then one of my dearest friends, a fellow entrepreneur, coached me through writing a new business plan. A plan that genuinely reflects my values. It describes the community of people I'd like to draw to me and the impact I hope we make in the world. It's my roadmap now and inspires me to keep moving forward no matter what. It anchors my resilience.
So, though my vision “may tarry” (shout out to the King James Version of Habakkuk), I will wait for it. At the appointed time it will come. And when there are hard days, that vision will be what inspires me to keep going.
What dreams do you have for your future?
What inspires you on the hard days? What helps you overcome your fears? What helps you bounce back from failure?
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P.S. I wrote this post early this morning but had to run out before I could upload it. Later in the day, I watched a YouTube short called Discover Your Purpose in Your Creativity. I love the synchronicity.
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Our Brains & Our Dreams
It all begins with an idea.
Yesterday, I watched Steven Bartlett's Diary of a CEO podcast interview with Dr. Tara Swart on YouTube, called No.1 Neuroscientist: Stress Leaks Through Skin, is Contagious & Gives you Belly Fat!
Their interview is fire!! It 100% confirms and affirms for me the choice I made in 2018 to leave my “prestigious” career; and the choice I made again, in 2019, to step out of another new career path. I wish I could say it's been smooth sailing ever since but I'd be lying. Life continues to throw curve balls (and tbh sucker punches), but the life I'm building now is one I enjoy infinitely more than what I had before. Even with all the stressors that come with entrepreneurship, the lifestyle I have now is worth it.
Dr. Swart's final words really stood out to me, because her advice is exactly what I did yesterday morning on my own, 9 hours before hearing and watching her interview.
Coincidence? Perhaps, but I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in synchronicity and that God guides us whenever we're open to feeling the nudge, “hearing” the whisper, and then following the guidance - by faith - to wherever it may lead.
I know I was led me to watch Steven and Dr. Swart’s thought-provoking interview at just the right moment. Something told me to watch it yesterday. And something told me to put it in my “Watch Later” queue weeks ago when YouTube's algorithm first suggested it to me.
This year has been yet another epic year of devastating news (personally and globally). But, if this year's done anything, it's made me even more committed to live out my purpose and create a life I love to wake up to every single day.
Here are some of Dr. Tara Swart's final words from this incredible podcast interview with Steven Bartlett:
“For me, my intention with every sentence that I've said to you is that people should realize how much potential they have in their brains. Like how capable they are of having an even more amazing life than they have already.”
“So, if I could give people [who want to pursue their dreams and become the person they want to become] a takeaway to start with that's really simple, but it doesn't mean there isn't a lot of hard work at the other end of it. It would be – be very clear on what it is that you want....Spend 5 minutes sitting down and visualizing those things being true. And then give gratitude for that. That would be my first step. [Give gratitude for] those things being true. Just 5 minutes....See it. Feel it in your body. Taste it in your mouth. Hear it in your ears. Completely immerse yourself in that for 5 minutes, longer if you can, and then just be so grateful for all of that. Essentially what you're doing is moving your brain from a fear state to a trust state. And that is the gateway to making these changes [to become the person you want to become and pursue your dreams].”
That immersive visualizing and gratitude practice she describes is exactly what I did (unknowingly) yesterday morning prior to hearing her advice. Motivated after watching her interview, I did it again this morning. And I intend to do it every day moving forward.
Let's do this practice together. Let’s believe in the potential we have in our brains. Let us all lead amazing lives and change the world for the better.
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